This Says So Much.

I've noticed that I always have amazingly weird ideas in the shower. About an hour ago I was wondering what it'll be like for me if I have cancer.

Yeah, cancer. It's not like I know anyone who has cancer. I didn't even have a specific cancer in mind.

Anyhows I know I'd be angry. Really really angry, because I'm not the kind of saint who would smile and try to make the best of their short life. I'm just not a saint in general.

It was then when I was thinking up my imaginary (angry) blog post that I noticed I have an amazingly flawed personality and I do nothing about it.

I could always try to change, but I never wanted to. I complain about so many things and I bitch about people/things/stuff a lot but when I think about it, oh god, I hate myself so much. I'm an inconsiderate selfish bitch whom people try to avoid, because I'm noisy and loud (and inconsiderate, but I already said that, right?) and I like to hit people for no particular reason, and even though I'm always going on about guys who are sexist, I'm sexist in the way that means I ask them to do stuff for me 'because they're guys.' I feel so bad now.

I hardly have any respect for any of my teachers, let alone my peers. I'm overconfident and when somebody threatens me in that position I'm running away and hating him (but he was an ass anyway) and somebody please kill me now. I don't understand why someone could still befriend an arrogant annoyance like me. I wonder if they would, if they understand all these horrible thoughts running through my head all day.

Chyi, Sushi, you guys are amazing. I love you guys to bits.

Phyllis, because you're Phyllis. 'Nuff said.

Lisa and XR, because honestly you two were my closest best friends that (I hope) will always be around.

HR and ST, because you two are wonderful, and I know you guys will always be around.

Akane, because she's been around for like... forever.

Jia Woei, you are an ass and you don't deserve your own mention, but hey you're never going to see this and since I'm being all open tonight, you're good. I know you're good. Just keep up the good work, you're going to surpass me. (Of course, you have the whole 'good boy' thing going on which the teachers just absolutely love, and GARH it annoys me to no end.)

My brother, because he was my idol.

My sister, because everyone loves her.

My mom, because she's always there.

My dad, because he teaches me stuff, even when I resent it.

Denise & family, because they gave me the best childhood ever.

I feel like I'm writing a suicide note.


I really want to kill myself and start over.